45

I saw her again at the store today I followed her but only for an hour journal. Something is wrong. Something feels awful and wrong. She is getting so distant, those eyes distant at my old words are now distant at my new words and at my own eyes. She sighs, her eyes wander at the passerby men, I try so hard to make her laugh. She only lifts her shoulders and half grins. What’s wrong? Why is she so far off? I can’t figure it out.

She is hanging around without me, doesn’t want me to come over, she has a new friend named Tom. Who is he anyway? Why is he so fucking important? He sounds like an idiot.....I don’t know. I’m trying my best.///

44

Journal, maybe you can help me out…..

It seems like lately my love has been shying away from me. I don’t get it. Maybe I am crushing her or too close, though becoming closer would be the final alchemy necessary for our union, maybe a baby even is how we should stay together. I tried to mention this to her but I don’t think she was so happy about that. She’s not home a lot when I come by and she hasn’t called for days and last time she said she wanted ‘a breather’.

What is a breather? Sounds to me like some stupid fucking self-help shit somebody fed to her to numb her to the real pulse of the world. I’ve told her over and over again how we need to be closer, not farther, that the time for something brilliant is at hand. She doesn’t believe it and says I should stop talking crazy, but what the fuck does she know. MAYBE SHE IS JUST LIKE THEM LIKE A FUCKING RAT///

43

DON’T DO THINGS LIKE THAT LOVE YOU HURT ME WHEN YOU DO

I don’t get it

Do you Journal

Maybe you understand

Why she hurt me

Why she punched me

Why she kicked me down on the ground

I have only been good and offered myself like cherry blossoms

I have only been full of wonder, a pool overflowing on her

A lily in a bowl

A lily in a bowl

she threw me out for the night. Tomorrow it will be fine. Yes. Fine.

///

42

When you lay beneath my thoughts I am enlightened - a solace unfound by years of crusade. Salt and ocean, shadow and ember, take me in before the parting, before goodbyes press in. Under your hand I keep silent, move at your move, turn with your turning. Secret hour, hush, moon skims water, sun stretches at mid day. At the moment, I take in you and I and our loving. There is no distance.

We, two witnesses of the end, inhabit all things - indents and riverbeds, antiquity and progresses, fortress, hurricane, electrical currency.

Swept to sea

Lost in vast empty spaces

Cumulus in azure sky

Smothered in sod

We are better off than most. It is neither of import nor is in our wisdom to suggest why. Only, I remember this once - you swept deliberately across hating blacktop in white dresses and I loved you///

41

Bodily wedding supper of Lamb,

black clothed, fragile you

balance yourself on sidewalks,

invite in the poorest.

I see your waiting feast, knowledge

of those Merlots, sourdoughs - compound formulas.

Like a star collapsing, you hold me in

endless orbit. Trying to escape, I crash back

down into your gravity, the tired old shepherd at prayer.

Tired of watching and waiting and calling

I touch your face

your goblets

drink from them

and absolved

I have Communion

broken ///

40

Back from L.A....Los Angeles is really full of people. We just got back and I’m so exhausted. It was a great time journal, sharing cotton candy on the beaches and feeding birds, hitting the clubs and doing a fair share of assorted drugs (cocktails that could rival the Good Doc’s!), out ‘til four, making love ‘til sun broke the day.

THIS IS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE

I still can’t believe it. I was so nervous before of even talking to her, afraid of rejection, and now all that is gone, all the old ways, all the old fears, the compulsions, the wrecking wasteland of a wrathful God - I am here now with her, my universal queen. It was her now I see, she came to me in dreams, she embraced me, she ravished me, she is divine Mother. Now there is no need for theological jigsaws, only dancing. Yesterday she said, “You can be so mysterious sometimes,” and she knew!! She saw!!

If I could draw a picture of her on your pages dear journal I would, but lines drawn by mortal hand could never capture her soft majesty.///