I’ve always wanted a perfect other. Someone whom I could awake in the morning with kisses and rose petals raining down across a smile, a girl who would come by at early hours and get me up out of my hidden and warm tomb of blankets, touch my hair to tell me to not fear the world but speak my voice with no restraint and clear as vanity mirrors, the one, the other, who would smoke on porch steps with coffee or wine or gin or just water would be fine even, somebody who could throw me into the sea and call out my name and laugh and cry out as I cut the great sea in Egypt, splitting the fucker wide, to walk the city nimbly and surely and floating like spirits in Underworld - my Penelope, my Aphrodite, my salvation. I have dreamt it always…. but I have been sent other dreams. Blood-washed visions and nightmares, journal - signs, tiny signposts to shut it out and remind me that I have a lonely road. I want to have another piece of myself, from out of my side, but maybe I really can make it alone warning all the world without another…. Another. Not just me. That sounds really nice. But if it happens….I just never see anyone worthy. Not like I spend a whole lot of time searching for somebody, but I would like it really a lot.
The nightmares are so terrible. They really are getting out of control, seek help, I am being punished for my sins and desires. I should not desire a woman now. I should not lust after skin. God, I shouldn’t even entertain these temptings. I’m sorry. I’m sad but I am sorry I do.///