I wonder what it would be like to be someone else. To be in their body and see through their eyes and feel through their feelings. To be normal. To be free of burden, light.
Today, I found myself waking early, shaking a druggy head, heading out into the heart of the city. It was a day when there were street markets everywhere, and flowers in heat with the breeze, I twirled my wrists in the wind and two-stepped together my clumsy two feet. People tossed fish, peddlers pushed their wares on the oncomers, singers with guitars copped an old Dylan tune, there were many wonderful sights, many wonders. I took a bit of a pill the Good Doc had prescribed, swallowed, walked walked on.
All I cared to know today journal is what it feels like to be somebody else. I’ve tried all my life to no avail to achieve it, I reach forward, lose myself, whore out my true self to only once enter into an all-consuming absorption into another - a footstep in a trap, a hand caught in a blender, a knife in a light socket - a sudden violent end.
A girl, an artist, plays chess with her lover. They fight. She motions to him like he is an idiot. Why do you care about that?, she asks. It’s always been like this. What has it always been like? How can it change? What holds her back from a true exposure of herself. Now she smiles at him. Why? What memory unfolds of her lover? Does she have another lover to make her smile like that in this moment?
Two fat white-trash women sit and read the paper. What do they care about the paper? They stop and talk about what they would do if they lived in Hollywood, who they would fuck, who they would definitely not be seen with, what hairstyle they would wear when when when when………etc. Why do they care about Hollywood and why is flight to dream the only hope they have?
A business man with the look and cutting sheen. He ignores the market and walks through dialing his cell phone while he crosses the street and looks behind him. Why is he late? Who abused him as a child? Why didn’t he become the prom king? Why
I want to be the chameleon. The shapeless sea. A ghost dancing through a ballroom. Bacteria. A parasite sucker fish. The sperm and the egg as one.///